Tool Award

It's been a while, but tool-dumb has come calling again, this time thanks to a certain Amazon reviewer. I won't post his name and it doesn't really matter what he was reviewing so much as what he says. It's long, rambling, pretensious, and idiotic and totally worthy of toolness.

that music this bad can possibly sell at all. I give this album a half-star because the CD cover makes a nice beer coaster. I got this CD from my library to hear what it's all about (the same way I spent tortuous hours listening to Gretchen Wilson and Britney Spears, to see what all the raves were about).
It is obvious that technically-adept musicians gravitate toward rock and metal, and poor or merely-adequate musicians lean toward the simplicity of country-pop and rap. Compare the drumming of Swedish bands Arch Enemy, In Flames, and Dark Tranquility, to the simplistic metronomic time-keeping of B&R; compare the technical difficulty of the guitar and bass playing of the Norwegian black metal bands Immortal and Behemoth to the juvenile picking on this album; compare the impassioned emotion and vocal pyrotechnics of the Crown, King Diamond, or Shadows Fall, to the thin, reedy, "American Idol" over-emoting of B&R (note to y'all: referring to American Idol was an insult, not a compliment --"but ah LIKES American Idul!!"...oh, shut up). Compare the complexity of the song-writing and ensemble playing of Overkill, Slayer, and Soilwork -- hours and hours of practicing to be able to play melodically and fast and keep it together--compared to the by-the-numbers, paint-within-the-lines child-like simplicity of the song-writing ability and band performance of B&R. Let's take some random examples (I didn't get them all because I truly was laughing so hard listening to this garbage that I couldn't take notes): a) lyrics to Holy Water: "she says...surround me now and hold, hold, hold me like holy water"...what a terrible metaphor, how do you "hold water" (unless they mean that she has to pee really bad...or she wants you told HOLD her like you have to pee real bad..not sure about that one); 2) I appreciate that the band has managed to take two of the most non-talented musical genres and duct-tape them together with the rap breaks in the songs...the song's (already poor) momentum comes screeching to a halt whenever Cowboy Troy comes in..rap is a style for people that cannot sing or write, and country/pop is a style for people that cannot play or write...put the two genres together and you cannot help but stop and stare...like looking at a car crash, and that's what this album is. c) random notes: Love Train...trying to mash 70's feel-good lovefest in with a pop-country twang; the "la-la-la's" in the beginning of Big Time made me spit up my Jack-n-coke..and coupled with the whiny over-wrought twanging of the steel guitar...it's so bad it's a classic; Real World...this is the one that left me open-mouthed in wonder -- it made me think that maybe, just maybe, this album was a big practical joke, that B&R were actually good musicians but went out of their way to purposely make a truly awful album just to see who would by this stuff. I cannot believe that they sat around at the mixing board, listening to the final take of this song, and saying "yeah, boys, we really nailed it that time, that's a keeper!" Let's not forget the pandering to you religious folk with the maudlin Holy Water and Live This Life, the studious avoiding of any type of near-obscenity ("I'm a crazy son of a (bad word)" from the first cut, subbing "this stuff" instead of a stronger, more real word), and the general dumbing down of lyrics and topics of the songs so that all you psuedo-trailerpark trash in your $150 Gap Jeans wannabees can do your "hell yeahs!" without resorting to cue cards...not that you could read them, anyway, or understand time signatures and beats and such to be able to sing along in time or in tune.
In summation..all of you who gave this album five stars and raved about how good it is: get out of the house, walk in the park, breath some fresh air..GET A LIFE...talk to professional musicians who might know something about quality music and take their suggestions and expose yourself to some "music"...real music, not pop/country pap played by under-talented video-over-exposed all-hat no-cattle poseurs; how about, instead of listening to "easy-listening" music, that you try some "difficult-listening" music, songs that challenge you and teach you and extend your musical knowledge and appreciation..instead of resigning yourselves to listening to the musical equivalent of America's Most Wanted. In short, I don't despise you people for your musical tastes..I pity you, that you are so narrow-minded, so ignorant, and so closed-off to true talent that you fall over yourselves praising such an awful band as Big and Rich.

Now look, you can like whatever music you choose to. But do you have to be such a snob about it? The arrogance simply drips off this guy's review. Let's see, you like Swedish rock? Great! Go listen to it. Stop bothering people on Amazon if you don't even like the genre. What's the point? "I think people that do music in X style are lazy and lacking of any skill. I can't stand them." Fine, then why bother reviewing the music? Ignore it. And stop rambling on about chord progressions and melody. It makes you sound like some music major with too much time on your hands. And believe me, we all know how deadly boring a music major with too much time on his hands can be like...

As if that's not bad enough, then he decides to post ANOTHER review.

I reviewed this earlier with a different name. Someone reviewed my review and handed me a lesson in country music history. I done my review because it was my opinion. I don't need some ego-starved idiot to tell me about country music. Let me explain something to you and everyone else including parents who are reading this review and are considering buying this for someone under 18. This cd needs a parental advisory label on it. No, they do not cuss in it but the topics are sad. Ride a cowboy, yeah I want my 14 year old daughter listening to that. I reviewed it because I couldn't believe all of the 5 star reviews. What does that prove to me? That this group has been played enough to make people like it. There is not one good thing about this cd. It was said this an evolution in country music just like when Alan Jackson and George Strait came out. I honestly don't remember people having a problem with those guys not sounding like Charlie Pride or George Jones. From what I remember those guys do sound like George Jones and Charlie Pride. They also have some decency about themselves. Don't think I'm one of those Bible thumpers either. I am a fan of all music including some of the most violent, obscene, hardcore punk that is out there. My problem is this and everything else that is country these days is pushed as pop music which would make it safe for kids to listen to. What many people do not get when they say the lyrics in country these days have not really changed, they are right to a point. There is still talk of alcohol just like old country music. The difference being that new country glorifies it. You think old country did? I think I remember a song by Johnny Cash about waking up Sunday and drinking a beer, then another, before finding his cleanest, dirty shirt to wear to church. That is called irony. He spent all night drinking, got up to go to church but couldn't help but drinking two more and disgraced himself by putting on a dirty shirt for church. There was never talk of sex in country music, until these days that is. Am I being unfair? Not at all, you are the same people that slam rappers and heavy metal for degrading women then you listen to this music about riding a cowboy. I guess it's ok for a country band to degrade women? Especially since it's your preferred genre of music. I also reviewed this because there are a lot of people that want to get into country music and I am trying to tell them this is not the place to start. I am also trying to get the point across to parents that this is not a cd for the kids. To the parents, buy a cd called, "Complete Discography" by Minor Threat for your kids. Sure it has loud music, it has a violent sound and many four letter words but the message is no drugs, no premarital sex, no alcohol and no tobacco. I would let my kids listen to it many times over before letting them listen to this cd. If you can get something out of listening to this cd then so be it but don't get the need to correct me on my country music knowledge.

Now don't misunderstand, I don't think country music should get a pass on ethical investigation. Parents should be discerning. But this guy would rather let his children listen to foul-mouthed and (self-admitted) violent content than he would let them listen to a singer talk about drinking? What a total tool. So to you, nameless Amazon guy, I give this Tool award because you appraoch your crusade against closed-minded music with such close-mindedness, arrogance, and an inability to be succinct. Congratulations, you are a Tool!