End Times Bible College

A little Friday humor

ETBC: The last days of higher education

Here at the twilight of human history, young people are growing more and more dissatisfied with their educational alternatives. "Why should I spend four years of my life at a state university when Jesus will probably come before I graduate?" If you have asked yourself this question, then End Times Bible College is for you.

ONE MAJOR, NO MINORS!
Walk the campus of most liberal arts colleges and you'll find people majoring in science, literature, and even elementary education, and they have more minors than you can shake a stick at! But all that learning will be of no use on That Glorious Day. At ETBC, we don't have any "minors"--we focus on what's important. Everybody has the same major: Premillenial Dispensational Eschatology, or PDE. Here are just a few of the exciting courses you'll take at End Times Bible College:

DATE SETTING (3 credits)
When will Jesus come? Sooner than you think! And in this course you'll learn how to make basic predictions about the Rapture, the mid-point of the Tribulation, and Final Judgment. A practicum on the identity of the Antichrist will also be offered during Fall of odd-numbered years (while they last)!

INTERPRETING SIGNS OF THE TIMES (2 credits)
Do you have eyes to see? If so, you'll love this hands-on course in speculative hermeneutics. The key to modern prophecy is to combine unrelated events in an apparently meaningful (but ambiguous) chain of events. This class will teach you how to do it--even though it is already too late!

HOW TO MAKE END TIMES CHARTS AND SLIDES (3 credits)
"How can I warn people about the coming disaster?" End times charts and slides are a great way to share your predictions with friends and family. Advanced students will learn how to film and edit a warning video to leave behind for others.

ROTC TRIBULATION FORCE (4 credits)
"Should I become a Christian now, or wait until after the rapture where I can do more good as a guerilla fighter?" If you've ever asked this question, then our Tribulation Force Boot Camp is for you. Learn how to thwart the Antichrist's every move while at the same time forming committed relationships with fellow partisans. An important practicum in post-rapture soteriology is included to make sure you time your conversion just right.

The scary thing is that there are some people that would go to this college if it were real.