Citizen or Illegal Alien: Which Is Better?

I don't know if this letter was actually sent, but it's quite funny (in the it's funny because it's too true way):

Becoming Illegal (From an MD. resident to his senator)

The Honorable Paul S. Sarbanes
309 Hart Senate Office Building
Washington DC, 20510

Dear Senator Sarbanes,

As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the
Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have
contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the
process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from
U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed
by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's
provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United
States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a
$2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a
good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before
everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had
to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two
years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I
can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result
for me and my f amily because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the
local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped
paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could
save almost $10,000 a year. Another benefit in gaining illegal status would
be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her
law school applications, as well as "in-state"
tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my
son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me
of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car
insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still
have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become
illegal ( retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms,
I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.


Bernie