Observations from Recent Marriages

As I mentioned earlier today, these last few years have been the Age of Marriage for many of my friends (though not, unfortunately, for me). I thought I would share a few observations from these marriages (including others from several years back) that might be useful to our readers… or at least useful to me as I seek my own soulmate (if she exists).

• Seeking a mate among friends is often the best course. Of the 9 marriages I am thinking of, 6 were begun as friendships. This provided a strong foundation, and meant that much of the initial discovery that goes along with "dating" (in quotes because some used the "courting" system instead) was already done.
• Seeking a mate among other Christians is the best course. All of the 9 marriages I am thinking of were between Christians, most of them between Christians of similar background. (I suspect this is a general rule that marriage between people of the same religion is preferable.) This provides a basic common foundation for life, and removes a lot of the questions in raising children.
• Intimacy is great, but save the closest kinds for after marriage. I am not just talking about sex here (though that is included). I have several friends who bought cars, houses, or pets prior to marriage… some even prior to engagement. With one exception, this lead to disaster when stresses on the relationship were translated into stresses in joint ownership which further weakened the relationship, ultimately ending up in a split. Stresses in a relationship are inevitable, but waiting for "ours" to come until "we" are a unit keeps peripheral issues out of the equation.
• Parents need to decide early to be hands-off on a relationship and a marriage. There is no more powerful influence on a relationship and a marriage than the parents. Every word has an impact, for good or ill. Parents who resolve to not interfere early on will ensure that their words are light, and can reserve the "big guns" for major issues where their influence is most needed. If parents are unable to do this, a couple needs to decide early to use distance or clearly set boundaries to create these same conditions.
• The wedding is a ceremony and the reception is a party, don't make them more than they are. The weddings I have attended have ranged from short ceremonies with a snack afterward, up to a grand multi-hour ceremony with multiple receptions. Neither is wrong. But in planning a wedding there are enough stresses and strains to go around, not to mention expense. Keeping in mind the essentials ("I do") and the true scope ("Congratulations. Go and live together in joy.") can help momentary obsessions on what color the napkins should be from becoming pressures that blow apart the whole relationship.
• The job of the groomsmen is to keep the groom sane. That's it. If you are asked to be a best man or groomsman, your main concern should be helping the groom hold it together. Everything else is peripheral. A wedding is stressful in the details ("What if I forget which is the shrimp fork?!") and the high level ("Wow, I am now completely responsible for another human being's physical and emotional well-being.") and can easily cripple the mind of the strongest man. By making sure your every effort is dedicated to keeping him sane (and yes, this means doing stupid things like picking up the flowers for him, because he promised HER that HE would take care of it), you will do your best part toward making the wedding a positive experience.

I am sure there were other lessons that I have learned that I should put here, but that is much time as I can dedicate to this project for the moment. Feel free to chime in with your own comments below.