Army Recruits To Be Paid In Gasoline

Especially after seeing Nomad's picture, just had to post this from the Borowitz Report. Well, that and to prove that I do still lurk around here from time to time. :-D

August 15, 2005
ARMY OFFERS TO PAY RECRUITS IN GASOLINE

As Gas Prices Soar, So Will Enlistment, Pentagon Hopes

With potential Army enlistees turning up their noses at bonuses and other perks, the Pentagon announced today that it was prepared to "sweeten the pot" by offering all new recruits a free tank of gas.

At the Pentagon, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said that the decision to pay recruits in gasoline, while unorthodox, was a "slam-dunk solution" to the Army's nagging shortfalls in enlistment.

"As gas prices approach four dollars a gallon, we believe that a free tank of gas in exchange for a tour of duty in Iraq is an offer these recruits can't refuse," Secretary Rumsfeld said. "And when gas prices hit five dollars a gallon - well, goodness gracious, we'll be turning people away."

Mr. Rumsfeld went on to say that skyrocketing gas prices, rather than being the bane of the American motorist's existence, are actually "America's secret weapon in the global struggle against violent extremism."

Across the nation, Army recruitment offices were being outfitted with full-serve and self-serve gas pumps to accommodate the anticipated crush of gas-thirsty enlistees.

But at one such office in Gary, Indiana, there were no takers for the Pentagon's free gas offer, which also includes a free car wash and windshield-wiper fluid.

In the words of one recruitment officer there, "If things don't pick up soon, we're going to have to throw in free tires."

Elsewhere, Cristeta Comerford, the first female executive chef in the history of the White House, said that the greatest challenge of her new job will be to "fill Dick Cheney's ravenous piehole."